


Murderhomies Of The Free Spirit x Reader!!!!!!

by chronowitch



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Organ Harvesting, Other, but some parts might slip slightly into emo or tender, despite our group name we have only killed one npc so far and like she deserved it, due to who i am as a person, it was meant to be jokey, made this for my dnd group like i didnt ask but i know they would want it, unbetaed and unedited to keep Authenticity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24975127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronowitch/pseuds/chronowitch
Summary: this one's for all you murder victims out there <3 probably not actually good but it was made with love <3
Relationships: Original Female Character/Reader, Original Male Character/Reader, Original Nonbinary Character & Reader, Original Nonbinary Character/Reader
Kudos: 5





	1. Depressed Lesbian Living In Seattle + Elvish Heir To The Gnomish Mafia

**Author's Note:**

> a guy gets stabbed in the first one but it isn't detailed and he doesnt, like, die. also if you ignore the stabbing it ended up a little more tender than i intended bc i guess i put all of my "i miss my wife tails" emotions there (if youre just Reading this: violet's my character, her love interest is a tiefling, i havent seen her in a whole arc :sobglasses:)  
> i didnt intend for the y/n in the second one to end up w the vibes of mew's love interest it just happened

it’s a lovely evening, slightly raining but that doesn’t really bother you, and you’re just walking down the street with your friend and crush, violet, talking about whatever comes to mind like how your day went and their most recent research and adventures. they have a really nice voice in your opinion, it’s a pity they barely talk in their public appearances. there’s not a lot of people around except for you two but you do notice some weird probably drunk human fighter type guys sitting around. probably won’t be relevant though! 

“that’s so cool! and i really don’t think it’s legal at all!” you say, twirling a lock of your [y/h/c] hair.

they nod, “yeah, it wasn’t, but it was fun and it worked so like who really cares?” you know the answer to that but you also know it isn’t you, at least not right now.

“hey, hot stuff!” one of the guys calls, and you flinch. goddamnit. they _are_ relevant. “i feel like there’s gotta be some jokes in tieflings and hot :thinking: like ‘hotter than the hellfire you’re from’ or something? eh whatever why don’t you ditch the discount ringwraith and come over here?” which like you don’t even know where to begin trying to unpack all of that. first you’re not from hell, you’re from this country, way to be fantasy racist, second, wow way to be rude about what’s a comparatively perfectly sound fashion decision, third. violet glances over at you and you immediately understand the unspoken question there, and you nod. before anyone gets a chance to react, violet draws one of their numerous daggers and flings it at him. it hits him in the gut and he stumbles back, managing to yank it out and throw it away before running away with the rest of his group. she stalks over to retrieve the dagger and you follow her into the alleyway.

violet picks up the knife and pulls down their coat’s hood, sighing deeply. “i had been planning on asking you something before all of,” they gesture vaguely, their ears flat against their head. “ _that_ happened. like maybe if you wanted to actually go somewhere instead of just aimlessly walking around? don’t get me wrong i love aimlessly walking around but maybe it would be nice to like.... get dinner or something?”

“yes!” too much! dial it back! “i- i mean, yeah, sure, but why?” close enough to something someone might actually say!

“well..... i mean, you _are_ a very interesting woman, [y/n], and if i might say, a lovely one too. i could do far worse in dinner companions, and i have plenty of times. and there’s just something about you :potatolenz: tonight doesn’t have to be the only time, i’d be willing to help you get revenge on whoever you wanted.”

wow okay that sounds an awful lot like an actual confession but since It’s Violet you’re pretty sure it isn’t because actually talking about their feelings with like words isn’t something even unrealistic fantasy violet would do. “...sure. but not right now, i think one stabbing is enough for a night.”

\----------

you stand in front of the mirror, making sure your [y/f/c] outfit looks perfect for your date with _the_ mewena genovese. you’re excited, and a little nervous :flushed: because while you’ve always tried to be at least lawful or good if not both, you’ve heard the rumors. mew burned down a building just because they wanted to and harvests organs for fun and youre pretty sure you saw them trying to attack someone with a knife while laughing. but that doesnt really matter!!!! they’re beautiful and you’ve had a crush on them since you first saw them so it was really surprising when they actually agreed to go on a date with you of all people. they didnt say what the date would actually be so youre a little nervous about that too.

before you can restyle your [y/h/c] hair for the third time you hear a noise from the door!! less like someones knocking and more like theyre trying to kick it down so it has to be mew bc nobody else would do something stupid like that. you abandon your nervous perfectionism to run down there before they can break their leg against it and open the door and :flushed: there they are..... mew’s hair is tied back in a ponytail and theyre wearing a slightly red-tinted leather jacket and matching boots, with a window tastefully ripped in their shirt and very cool fingerless gloves. “hey babe!” they say. “you didnt have to dress so fancy :rolling_eyes: you look cute though :sunglassesflushed:”

“thank you, you look good too!” you say not really sure what :sunglassesflushed: is. mew smiles and they lead you outside (you make sure to close the door) and you see........... a fantasy motorcycle! its black and is sick as hell in your honest opinion and definitely suits them, which you make sure to tell them.

“i hotwired it special for our date [y/n] :3” they say which normally would be concerning but right now youre just happy to be with them criminal or not. actually the dangerous criminal activities kind of make them hotter if you’re being honest. they get on and pat the space behind them. “i don’t have a helmet but i can cast mage armor if you need it” what a gentlechef :flushed: maybe the rumors about them being a dangerous person were right but the rumors about them not caring were definitely wrong. in that moment you feel completely secure about everything-

“and i did have my chauffeur drive it here but hehehe i’m pretty sure i can figure out how it works” they say grabbing the steering things. you are suddenly less sure about your chances of survival! but they smile at you, and really, isn’t it worth taking a risk sometimes? “ok hang on tight babe!! don’t want you falling off before we can even get to our arson location!!!”

“our what-”

but it’s too late for explanations, as mew slams the gas pedal and it’s all you can do to hold onto them.


	2. Short King!Himbo!Gay!Linguini + Lo-fi Crab Beats To Crab/Crab To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took a long time because i don't understand how to write tap, don't know much about chemistry aside from like basic stuff and know even less about how studying and homework and tutoring work, didn't know any characters to try to incorporate the vibes of for their y/n and also i am just not very good at things sometimes. please forgive me  
> also if you're just Reading this: mew and gaylord aren't actually related they're just best friends

“B-but Gaylord,” You say, holding onto him (he is on a stool), “What if your family doesn’t like me?” It hadn’t been even two weeks since you began your secret relationship, and you didn’t understand why someone like him would ever want to be with someone like you, but you knew what you had was real as could be. It was his mysterious and dangerous charm that drew you to him in the first place, that and his incredible fashion sense, and his enigmatic demeanor kept on despite all the time you’ve spent together. While he had been the one who insisted on keeping your relationship a secret, he was the one now saying that you should meet his French mother.

“don’t worry, my _roditore medio_.” Gaylord says. (That means ‘beloved one’ in Gnomish Italian <3) He pulls you closer, and awkwardly angles you to avoid his in all honesty absurd pompadour. “they definitely will like you, and if they don’t, then it doesn’t matter :stevebuscemi: we can be cool star crossed lovers!!”

You sigh and slump down, releasing your grasp on him, too disparaged to even question what in the hell :stevebuscemi: means. Gaylord assesses you for a brief moment before hopping off the stool and- You knew he was strong, but you didn’t realize he was strong enough to pick you up like you were just a bundle of feathers. You blush intensely, but make no move to escape his cardigan-covered arms. It’s a wonder you even fit in them, seeing as he’s three feet tall and you’re a medium sized creature, but you sure ain’t complaining.

It’s no doubt slower going than if your roles were reversed, but he manages to carry you out of the storage room and into the main restaurant itself, a nice family style French one. A few people look at you strange, but you try your best to not pay attention, and Gaylord doesn’t seem to even notice.

Gaylord’s French mother is taller than you expected, and they’re yellower too, wearing an impressively low-cut shirt and a pair of rhinestone sunglasses, drinking out of a wine glass with a twirly straw, which you reckon is some kind of sin. Must be where Gaylord inherited his fashion sense. “ _Bonjour_ , whore.” They say. You’re absolutely horrified, but they speak again. “And whoever it is you brought with you.” Ah, that’s got to be just how the French talk with each other. ”Gayman, I’m having a hard day, they had better have good kidneys.” Back to being horrified it is.

“:whathaveyoudone: no mew, this isn’t about that, i brought them here because we’re dating???” he says, holding you tighter. 

They lower their sunglasses to look more disapprovingly at the pair of you. “You’re acting real out of character today. Do they even have any defining traits?” Of course you do! You have plenty of very definite and defining traits, such as [y/personality] and [y/background] and [y/class]! You don’t want to cause a scene, though, so you stay quiet and let Gaylord try to resolve the issue.

“i don’t care if you think we shouldn’t be together, i love [y/n]!” He declares. Mew slurps the rest of their wine and immediately pours another glass nearly to the brim, mumbling something about needing to be drunker to deal with this. “we’ll elope on my motorcycle if we need to :uknow:”

“...Ugh, fine, I care about your happiness,” Mew says, which you decide to take as a victory, and which Gaylord apparently decides to take as one too because :flushed: he holds his pompadour out of the way and kisses you!

\----------

it’s not like you weren’t smart, you were just very dumb too, especially when it came to things like making good life choices or, more relevant to the oneshot, chemistry. that’s why you ended up with your head in your hands sitting at the same table as a very polite volunteer tutor who didn’t seem to have a last name.

“ugh it’s useless, there’s almost nothing here that makes any sense! like what does any of this even mean is it even written in common :sunglassessob:” you say, gesturing at the incomprehensible pages. there’s so many abbreviations. there’s so many chemical names. can’t you just go back to when wizards did everything and not have to deal with like actual science???

they consolingy and fatherfully pat you on the hand (they have to lean very far across the table to reach). “It’s alright. Um, not getting everything immediately doesn’t mean you’ll never understand. Just focus on what does make sense, and, it should be fine? You’ll pick it up eventually, and I’m here to help you.” 

wow tap is so wise... just not very good at actually talking... plus there’s that chronic customer service voice which is kind of concerning tbh. you look back at the textbook after stealthily wiping the tears from your eyes (fantasy chemistry tears not pep talk tears) and surprisingly things seem at least more manageable. 

“this is going great! time for a quick music break!” you declare after about ten minutes of concentrated and very inspired work, getting out your fancy customized next gen irock. it’s [y/f/c] obviously. you need to get the exact right music for your mood so you can work right or else you won’t be able to get anything done, never mind that you were doing perfectly fine without the music. maybe while you’re on there you can check your wizard myspace too and there was that vanguard fanfic you wanted to finish reading-

“What- No! Put away your rock :urgrounded:, you’re just looking for excuses to get distracted.” tap says, grabbing for it just as you pull up your ‘banging party music for thots’ playlist. the first few notes of medieval crab rave play right before they manage to turn off the rock and toss it onto the couch (it’s a literal rock it’s fine). you look at your rock, distraught, before noticing that tap looks even worse. all five stages of grief at once sort of deal. probably just disappointment in you for trying to procrastinate :/ so you return to your poor attempt at studying.

you glance up after a while to ask a question and see tap pretty much on the verge of crying, which is bad because like they’re nice and also stopped you from crying into your chemistry textbook. “are you, like, okay?” you ask.

“It’s just the everything,” they explain. you nod, understanding completely. “I’m under a lot of stress these days. The Crab Rave reminded me I haven’t even found the time to just sit in a river as a giant crab in a while.” you nod again, understanding even less. “Thank you for your concern, but I’ll be fine. Maybe a break would be a good idea, though.”


End file.
